Naming your kid in a Twilighty YOLO world.
So, here you are finally coming to terms with the fact you are going to be a dad. You may or may not know the sex of your little Hubigail, but that doesn't change the fact that you need a name. Not knowing makes it more difficult. You need too think of a boy and girl name. But what to choose?
For us, we did not plan on having children. We found it fun to come up with names anyway. Our main concern with naming was to give the imaginary kid a great name they can enjoy. I have covered this in the past, but we will go over it again for those who do not feel like going all the way over to the right side of the screen and clicking on the links there. I had a dream several years ago. Well, I should say I was experimenting with programming myself to dream about a specific thing. My goal was to see where I was going to be in seven years. My dream placed me in a decent house where I was lying in bed. My wife was in the bathroom (did not know who that was at the time) getting ready. A little girl came in and climbed up next to me. Her name was Abigail Rose. I thought that was the most beautiful name ever. That was our choice for a girl. We also played with names like Chastity and Serenity. The hope was that the name would influence her life choices. Since teenagers tend to go the opposite way of anything you want for them, we would end up with a high-strung harlot.
For a boy, we both really liked a story we read about the unsinkable Hugh Williams.
For us, we did not plan on having children. We found it fun to come up with names anyway. Our main concern with naming was to give the imaginary kid a great name they can enjoy. I have covered this in the past, but we will go over it again for those who do not feel like going all the way over to the right side of the screen and clicking on the links there. I had a dream several years ago. Well, I should say I was experimenting with programming myself to dream about a specific thing. My goal was to see where I was going to be in seven years. My dream placed me in a decent house where I was lying in bed. My wife was in the bathroom (did not know who that was at the time) getting ready. A little girl came in and climbed up next to me. Her name was Abigail Rose. I thought that was the most beautiful name ever. That was our choice for a girl. We also played with names like Chastity and Serenity. The hope was that the name would influence her life choices. Since teenagers tend to go the opposite way of anything you want for them, we would end up with a high-strung harlot.
For a boy, we both really liked a story we read about the unsinkable Hugh Williams.
There are several versions of the story. Some add more superstition, some just add things that are not true in order to make it more interesting. What it all comes down to, statistically speaking, is if you are a Welshman on a ship and it sinks, you have a better chance than anyone else, who is not named Hugh Williams, of survival. I happen to be of Welsh decent and have the last name of Williams. So, what more could I do to help a kid out? Give him the middle name of Danger. He wouldn't appreciate it until he was older and picking up on the ladies. But then we found out someone else nearby had already done it. So we opted to go with my wife's dad's name for the middle. Hugh Ellis Williams has a nice ring to it.
These names came pretty easy for us. However, you may not have the same luck we did. So, here is my Handy Dandy guide to naming your child.
These names came pretty easy for us. However, you may not have the same luck we did. So, here is my Handy Dandy guide to naming your child.
1.DO NOT give them a child's name.
Some names are just sooooo cute. Your baby is going to be sooooo cute, why not name it Pookums or Smooshyface? Because that is just stupid. There are several names that fall into this category, but I will refrain from mentioning them as not too offend those people I know who have those names. But, I think you can figure out what I am saying. Think of your name of choice, now see if it is befitting the CEO of a major corporation. If it is more befitting of the CEO of a stripper pole, you might reconsider.
Some names are just sooooo cute. Your baby is going to be sooooo cute, why not name it Pookums or Smooshyface? Because that is just stupid. There are several names that fall into this category, but I will refrain from mentioning them as not too offend those people I know who have those names. But, I think you can figure out what I am saying. Think of your name of choice, now see if it is befitting the CEO of a major corporation. If it is more befitting of the CEO of a stripper pole, you might reconsider.
2. Be careful when using a family name.
Some family names are excellent names. However, the majority of them are very strange and most definitely from a different era. I think people realize this subconsciously and shift it to the middle name. Even then you are damaging your child. There are several names in my family that are passed on as middle names. There are more that have not been. As one of eight children, I can say that eight out of eight children are thankful for those names staying in the past. Now, I do not mean to disrespect any of my ancestors, but times have changed and people have had several decades to make some of these names into common insults. It will only be a matter of time before our names will be the insults. What a Jason he is. You are such a Shelly. You really Steved that one up. To give you a couple of examples, I think they were grandparents of the great, great nature, Bodel and Dorcus. I don't even know if I spelled them right, but you get the idea. So, watch out which names you choose.
Some family names are excellent names. However, the majority of them are very strange and most definitely from a different era. I think people realize this subconsciously and shift it to the middle name. Even then you are damaging your child. There are several names in my family that are passed on as middle names. There are more that have not been. As one of eight children, I can say that eight out of eight children are thankful for those names staying in the past. Now, I do not mean to disrespect any of my ancestors, but times have changed and people have had several decades to make some of these names into common insults. It will only be a matter of time before our names will be the insults. What a Jason he is. You are such a Shelly. You really Steved that one up. To give you a couple of examples, I think they were grandparents of the great, great nature, Bodel and Dorcus. I don't even know if I spelled them right, but you get the idea. So, watch out which names you choose.
3. DO NOT name them after your favorite character.
We are all into different things. If you find joy in a series of movies, TV show, or books, awesome. I personally am a fan of Star Wars and Doctor Who. But, Naming my kid "Darth Tardis" is not a good idea. I wouldn't go with "clever" variations either. Exterminatia Wookerina is not a cool name. You are into a series, but the next generations may not be. I really enjoyed the A-Team when I was young. Had I named a kid Faceman Baracus, he would probably get beat up every day. I am sure most of these references were lost on a lot of you. So, let us shift to movies and things I care nothing about.
You think you are being wise by naming your child after a great character. Guess what, so does everyone else. In the near future, boys will no longer divide teams by shirts and skins. All games will be split into Edwards vs. Jacobs while all the Snooki's watch. See my point? Wait, what am I talking about? Kids playing outside? That is crazy talk. If you really feel the need to use one of these names, get a dog. We named ours Chewie and Leia. Had I thought of Darth Tardis, the names would be different.
We are all into different things. If you find joy in a series of movies, TV show, or books, awesome. I personally am a fan of Star Wars and Doctor Who. But, Naming my kid "Darth Tardis" is not a good idea. I wouldn't go with "clever" variations either. Exterminatia Wookerina is not a cool name. You are into a series, but the next generations may not be. I really enjoyed the A-Team when I was young. Had I named a kid Faceman Baracus, he would probably get beat up every day. I am sure most of these references were lost on a lot of you. So, let us shift to movies and things I care nothing about.
You think you are being wise by naming your child after a great character. Guess what, so does everyone else. In the near future, boys will no longer divide teams by shirts and skins. All games will be split into Edwards vs. Jacobs while all the Snooki's watch. See my point? Wait, what am I talking about? Kids playing outside? That is crazy talk. If you really feel the need to use one of these names, get a dog. We named ours Chewie and Leia. Had I thought of Darth Tardis, the names would be different.
4. DO NOT choose a profession instead of a name. Also, don't use places either.
Taylor, Sawyer, Hunter, these are jobs not names. Butcher, Hooker, and Undertaker are jobs too. Do you want to name your child any of them? If you said yes, ask yourself if your kid is going to be a professional wrestler. Leave the jobs out of it. Unless you really like the name Methadone Clinic Worker. Places are just as bad. How many Dakotas are there? 2, North and South. Let's leave it at that.
Taylor, Sawyer, Hunter, these are jobs not names. Butcher, Hooker, and Undertaker are jobs too. Do you want to name your child any of them? If you said yes, ask yourself if your kid is going to be a professional wrestler. Leave the jobs out of it. Unless you really like the name Methadone Clinic Worker. Places are just as bad. How many Dakotas are there? 2, North and South. Let's leave it at that.
5. Ovoid unisex names at all costs.
This is simple. If you are having a boy, use a boy's name. If you are having a girl, pick a girl's name. Let's not play the Terry, Tracy, Pat, Randy game. And stop stealing boy's names for girls and making them unisex. Blake, for example, is a boy's name. I recently saw a girl named Noah. Just don't do it. This is my son Charlotte.
This is simple. If you are having a boy, use a boy's name. If you are having a girl, pick a girl's name. Let's not play the Terry, Tracy, Pat, Randy game. And stop stealing boy's names for girls and making them unisex. Blake, for example, is a boy's name. I recently saw a girl named Noah. Just don't do it. This is my son Charlotte.
6. DO NOT name them after a product, object, or medical condition.
Apple is a computer or pie filling. Mercedes and Porsche are cars. You are suggesting that your child is a product to be owned. How do you think that is going to work out for them? Okay, I don't have any sciency stuff to back that up. However, science does back me when it I say it is just dumb to name your kid Psoriasis.
Apple is a computer or pie filling. Mercedes and Porsche are cars. You are suggesting that your child is a product to be owned. How do you think that is going to work out for them? Okay, I don't have any sciency stuff to back that up. However, science does back me when it I say it is just dumb to name your kid Psoriasis.
7. For the love of God and Sunday Jesus, DO NOT make up a name. If you are an atheist, For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, DON'T DO IT.
Made up names sound like exactly that. Kableesha Cherbidan, and Farooda. Nothing good there. I just made those up by the way. This also extends to weird spellings of common names. $t3v3 with a silent @, no one is going for that. Silent letters and symbols are to be avoided at all costs. This will make life more difficult for your child from an early age pretty much to the end of their life.
STRIPPER POLE EXECUTIVE: Hi, what is your name?
QUILLIB+T$%&!RT?B: Rob.
STRIPPER POLE EXECUTIVE: Is that spelled with a silent @?
QUILLIB+T$%&!RT?B: Actually, with a silent and invisible @. Thanks for asking, Candy Crush. Here is another dollar.
Case and point.
Made up names sound like exactly that. Kableesha Cherbidan, and Farooda. Nothing good there. I just made those up by the way. This also extends to weird spellings of common names. $t3v3 with a silent @, no one is going for that. Silent letters and symbols are to be avoided at all costs. This will make life more difficult for your child from an early age pretty much to the end of their life.
STRIPPER POLE EXECUTIVE: Hi, what is your name?
QUILLIB+T$%&!RT?B: Rob.
STRIPPER POLE EXECUTIVE: Is that spelled with a silent @?
QUILLIB+T$%&!RT?B: Actually, with a silent and invisible @. Thanks for asking, Candy Crush. Here is another dollar.
Case and point.
8. Be aware of the many, many ways kids are going to make fun of the name you choose.
This should be done by everyone. If you are not as creative as an eight year old boy, I am willing to analyze any name you submit and return with a detailed report of playground slang most likely used. For a fee of course. Kids will be kids and no matter what you name yours, they will come up with something. Actually, kids are jerks. They will come up with the stupidest names and everyone will go along with it just to be mean.
With that in mind, try to avoid making it easy on them. Names like Bagina and Renis are prime examples of your failure as a parent. Obviously these are extreme examples, but the point is clear. If the name is easily rhymed with a body part or function, that is going to be your kid's nickname for life. Avoid the name Bart too.
This should be done by everyone. If you are not as creative as an eight year old boy, I am willing to analyze any name you submit and return with a detailed report of playground slang most likely used. For a fee of course. Kids will be kids and no matter what you name yours, they will come up with something. Actually, kids are jerks. They will come up with the stupidest names and everyone will go along with it just to be mean.
With that in mind, try to avoid making it easy on them. Names like Bagina and Renis are prime examples of your failure as a parent. Obviously these are extreme examples, but the point is clear. If the name is easily rhymed with a body part or function, that is going to be your kid's nickname for life. Avoid the name Bart too.
In closing, if you take your duty as a parent seriously and opt not to brand your child with the level of craziness you achieved in life, or the intensity you had for something no one cares about anymore, you can do your part to avoid a world full of Percocet KIAs and Jaun D. Rections.
I thank you in advance for your support.
I thank you in advance for your support.