This happened Click for previous part.
I honestly don't know why I called this Breaking Dawn. Maybe my subconscious was trying to find a correlation between my frustration, angst, and pointless drama, and an equally pointless source of drama, angst, and frustration. That's right. I just slammed the Twilight saga.
Oh, I was going to tell you the most frustrating thing my wife does. It isn't just one thing. It is the combination of several things at any given time.
After all the human father guy has been through just in the beginning, there is a myriad of obstacles he has yet to even realize. And, they only get worse as time goes on. Lets explore a few of them, shall we? Keep in mind that many if not all of these examples are the direct result of the changes a woman goes through during the "miracle" of child birth. We, as men, acknowledge this fact and do not blame the woman. That only makes it ten times more frustrating.
After all the human father guy has been through just in the beginning, there is a myriad of obstacles he has yet to even realize. And, they only get worse as time goes on. Lets explore a few of them, shall we? Keep in mind that many if not all of these examples are the direct result of the changes a woman goes through during the "miracle" of child birth. We, as men, acknowledge this fact and do not blame the woman. That only makes it ten times more frustrating.
That Gall Durn Brain Fog Again!
I feel I should explain what I believe is the source of all of this. Here we were enjoying life. My wife and I are very much the same. We don't enjoy shopping. Each trip is usually "an in and out as quick as we can" sort of adventure (unless it is a Walmart date). We think the same and feel the same about almost everything. Drama is the worst thing ever invented. Stupid people annoy us. Inconsiderate people annoy us even more. Unfortunately, there are so much of all of this taking over the world. Because of this, we like to stay home and enjoy each others company rather than venture out and come back irritated and frustrated.
Since my wife got pregnant, life has changed dramatically (the worst way for anything to change ever invented). Whether it be the grocery store, school, the doctor's office, or all the other things that seem to pop up, we always need to be going somewhere. Thus, our exposure to the previously mentioned unsavory people is greatly increased.
Additionally, my wife's pregnancy brain fog has taken a hold of her. But it comes and goes. It is very similar to watching a person in the early stages of dementia. Trust me, I have some experience with that. They have their own sort of logic and you never quite know where their mind is. Sometimes they seem completely functional and able to do everything. But, since you have been paying attention all this time, you know that this could be a trick as dementia patience are prone to hide their condition. You have to be ready at any time to correct or complete a story. You also need to be able to add details to what they are saying as they tend to forget that the first part of the conversation was in their head or that the other person is unaware of facts they have no reason to be aware of. This is very draining.
Occasionally, they have a moment of clarity and realize exactly what is going on. This is both good and bad. It is good because I have these occasional wonderful moments with the woman I married. Bad because it makes all the other times that much worse. Unlike dementia, this pregnancy brain fog is contagious. So, now we have two mindless people on alternating schedules of clarity. Sort of the blind leading the blind scenario. On the rare occasion that we are both clear at the same time, 99.9% of that time it is ruined by having to go somewhere and deal with people we don't care to (see above section about stupid and inconsiderate people) rather than enjoy our time together. This is the reason that I am always running 4 levels above the normal "frustration zone". I just want my wife back.
Since my wife got pregnant, life has changed dramatically (the worst way for anything to change ever invented). Whether it be the grocery store, school, the doctor's office, or all the other things that seem to pop up, we always need to be going somewhere. Thus, our exposure to the previously mentioned unsavory people is greatly increased.
Additionally, my wife's pregnancy brain fog has taken a hold of her. But it comes and goes. It is very similar to watching a person in the early stages of dementia. Trust me, I have some experience with that. They have their own sort of logic and you never quite know where their mind is. Sometimes they seem completely functional and able to do everything. But, since you have been paying attention all this time, you know that this could be a trick as dementia patience are prone to hide their condition. You have to be ready at any time to correct or complete a story. You also need to be able to add details to what they are saying as they tend to forget that the first part of the conversation was in their head or that the other person is unaware of facts they have no reason to be aware of. This is very draining.
Occasionally, they have a moment of clarity and realize exactly what is going on. This is both good and bad. It is good because I have these occasional wonderful moments with the woman I married. Bad because it makes all the other times that much worse. Unlike dementia, this pregnancy brain fog is contagious. So, now we have two mindless people on alternating schedules of clarity. Sort of the blind leading the blind scenario. On the rare occasion that we are both clear at the same time, 99.9% of that time it is ruined by having to go somewhere and deal with people we don't care to (see above section about stupid and inconsiderate people) rather than enjoy our time together. This is the reason that I am always running 4 levels above the normal "frustration zone". I just want my wife back.
Bugs, bugs, and more bugs.
Living in the country has many benefits. My favorite part is that there are very few people. The air is fresh. The stars are visible at night. And bugs have plenty of space to make sweet, sweet, buggy love. Unfortunately, this only creates more bugs to have even more buggy love. With the production of bugs going full swing, they are constantly searching for a new place to kick back and put their feet up. Since making their own house is hard work (and there are no lights to continuously ram their heads into) bugs like to live in your house if they can get away with it. Actually, they don't even ask. They just grab all their buddies and crash the joint. Fortunately, mankind (or womankind, I don't want to be sexist) has a fixation with killing stuff. Also with blowing stuff up and farts (that part is definitely mankind). Anyway, the first led to pesticides (all three led to bug bombs). Unfortunately again, pregnant women and pesticides do not mix well together unless you don't mind a three armed baby with green skin, which is cool in a way. So, until the baby gets here, we get to share our bed, dishes, and clothing with any bug who shares our sense of style. I really don't mind because the thrill of discovering a new bug is heightened exponentially when first contact is made in your shorts.
Did I mention that there are far more spiders in the country than in the city? For this reason, I found an all natural Eco-friendly bug killer that only seems to kill with kindness. I think it actually attracts bugs. The bugs tend congregate on the bottle. Clearly it works wonders. And clearly there will be plenty of cohabitation until the baby is born. As a side note, if you are looking for an all natural organic pesticide, don't buy the one that is Ecologically SMART. I won't mention the name (wink). Additionally, Ecologically SMART bug repellant works equally as well as the pesticide.
Did I mention that there are far more spiders in the country than in the city? For this reason, I found an all natural Eco-friendly bug killer that only seems to kill with kindness. I think it actually attracts bugs. The bugs tend congregate on the bottle. Clearly it works wonders. And clearly there will be plenty of cohabitation until the baby is born. As a side note, if you are looking for an all natural organic pesticide, don't buy the one that is Ecologically SMART. I won't mention the name (wink). Additionally, Ecologically SMART bug repellant works equally as well as the pesticide.
Walking or the inability to do so.
You may be thinking this is just a still shot. You would be wrong. This is a full speed video of a pregnant woman walking. I don't know how many times my wife and I have been walking somewhere and all of a sudden she was gone. I looked back and there she was standing in the middle of the road or in any other worst possible place to stop, rubbing her belly. Never did she utter a single word or signal to me that she was no longer by my side. Really, it was a surprise every time. She now just grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop with her. Still in the middle of the street or at the edge of a cliff that is quickly eroding. She pauses to let a contraction pass or catch her breath while I stare into the eyes of our impending death.
What's worse is that any time we go anywhere it takes forever to do anything. Everything is sssslllloooowwww mmmmoooottttiiiioooonnnn. Walking through Walmart is equally as frustrating as getting stuck behind a car going 25 mph on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pass. You are not in a hurry. You are not going to be late for anything. No big deal. You can wait. But, what if you drove this road every day? What if every day you get stuck behind this car? What if every day there is a line of cars building up behind you and you know they think you are the one who is driving slow even though you have veered off to the right side several times to let them see that there is a car in front of you? And, what if said line of cars has had enough and they drive as close to you as they can without actually touching your bumper while honking and alternating between flipping the bird and loading their firearm? Multiply that feeling by ten. Oh the humanity.
What's worse is that any time we go anywhere it takes forever to do anything. Everything is sssslllloooowwww mmmmoooottttiiiioooonnnn. Walking through Walmart is equally as frustrating as getting stuck behind a car going 25 mph on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pass. You are not in a hurry. You are not going to be late for anything. No big deal. You can wait. But, what if you drove this road every day? What if every day you get stuck behind this car? What if every day there is a line of cars building up behind you and you know they think you are the one who is driving slow even though you have veered off to the right side several times to let them see that there is a car in front of you? And, what if said line of cars has had enough and they drive as close to you as they can without actually touching your bumper while honking and alternating between flipping the bird and loading their firearm? Multiply that feeling by ten. Oh the humanity.
Bajillions of doctor visits
Not only do you get to see complete strangers do extremely random and uncomfortable things to your lady, you get to do it at random times too. There are sooo many appointments you will never be able to keep track of them. The only certainty is that any time you want to do anything or nothing, you can't because there is a doctor appointment. Want to catch a little extra sleep? Can't, someone needs to stick their finger up your lady's hoohaw at eight in the morning, again. Feel like kicking back and relaxing? Better not. They need to check the baby because everything might have changed since they did it yesterday . Oh how fun that is.
Learning to constantly eat in Smacky Town
This one might just be me. My biggest pet peeve is people who smack their food. It drives me insane and fills me with rage in no time flat. The origin of this instant aggravation dates back to my younger days when the family would go on extremely long road trips. After 3 or 4 days trapped in a car listening to your dad and brother try to out smack each other while eating tootsie pops and any other type of food that has the slightest potential of making a disgusting sound when you stick it in your mouth, you get a bit gun shy. It is a billion times worse than nails on a chalkboard. I dare say two billion times worse than the sound and feel of a dentist's drill. Due to my wife's plugged up pregnancy nose, she has to breathe through her mouth. When food is inserted, the smack fest begins. What makes it worse is the fact that the little guy inside of her wants food constantly. So, she is constantly shoving in the food to make him happy otherwise he will kick the crap out of her insides (literally, hee hee). That means constantly smacking. That also means I am constantly trying to hold in everything so I don't storm off in a rage and blow something up with farts (I do that for mankind).
Lack of sleep/She snores like two demons are getting it on in her nose.
When the day is done and I am ready to turn in, all I want is this.
Such a happy couple there in that picture. They are beautifully resting in a pregnant spoon position. Just holding each other and sharing their love. Plus, they are knocked out on drugs. There is no way these two are for real. And, there is no plausible way to spoon while pregnant. Take a look in the silverware drawer. See that smaller spoon that has been floating around the drawer forever? No matter what you do with it, it throws off the stack. You want reality? Here you go.
Pregnant women snore the snore of a thousand deaths. I snore. My wife snored before. It is something we get used to and learn to sleep through. Pregnancy changes everything. I mean, there is no possible way for a human to make some of the sounds that come out of her nose/mouth. I recorded her snoring one night just to let her know why I was going on and on about the things I witnessed the past few nights and why I did not appreciate her finding it humorous. Well, all that accomplished was to make her laugh more, until she started to wonder why her nose was bloody every morning.
No, I did not punch her. I know you were thinking that. I would be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind at four in the morning while the dog and I are hiding on the floor next to the bed curled up in the fetal position singing spiritual songs about Farley the Fancy Fireman through streams of tears. But no, I did not touch her. The vibrations from the earth shaking super sound blaring speakers at the over attended booger house party must have jarred loose a few pipes in the sinus wall. Of course they are going to leak a bit. To be fair, she does feel bad that I don't sleep much.
For those of you who can not identify with my struggle, let me set this situation up for you. You wake up earlier than you would prefer to go to a place where people do things to your significant other you would not prefer, then you go somewhere where you can't walk just so you can taunt death. Then it is school time, chore time, cooking time, avoid making eye contact with the mountain of dishes in the sink time, all with interlaced smacky mouth time. Then it is study time, pay attention to the dog time, and finally bed time. Just as you scape all the bugs out of your bed and start to fall to sleep, someone takes the sound system from the booger party in my wife's nose and sets it inside your ear at full volume. And what does it sound like? I may have done some stupid things in my life. And, I will most likely do more. But putting a video of my wife's satanic snore chants on the internet for the entire world to see is not going to be one of them. So, I found this video to put in its place. It does not do it justice. But, if you wait til you are completely exhausted, turn up your speakers as high as they go, and press your ears against them, you will start to understand my pain.
No, I did not punch her. I know you were thinking that. I would be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind at four in the morning while the dog and I are hiding on the floor next to the bed curled up in the fetal position singing spiritual songs about Farley the Fancy Fireman through streams of tears. But no, I did not touch her. The vibrations from the earth shaking super sound blaring speakers at the over attended booger house party must have jarred loose a few pipes in the sinus wall. Of course they are going to leak a bit. To be fair, she does feel bad that I don't sleep much.
For those of you who can not identify with my struggle, let me set this situation up for you. You wake up earlier than you would prefer to go to a place where people do things to your significant other you would not prefer, then you go somewhere where you can't walk just so you can taunt death. Then it is school time, chore time, cooking time, avoid making eye contact with the mountain of dishes in the sink time, all with interlaced smacky mouth time. Then it is study time, pay attention to the dog time, and finally bed time. Just as you scape all the bugs out of your bed and start to fall to sleep, someone takes the sound system from the booger party in my wife's nose and sets it inside your ear at full volume. And what does it sound like? I may have done some stupid things in my life. And, I will most likely do more. But putting a video of my wife's satanic snore chants on the internet for the entire world to see is not going to be one of them. So, I found this video to put in its place. It does not do it justice. But, if you wait til you are completely exhausted, turn up your speakers as high as they go, and press your ears against them, you will start to understand my pain.
I know a lot of people will dismiss this as part of the "miracle of childbirth" and how a little discomfort is no comparison to childbirth. That is your prerogative. I, however, have to wonder how people ever get born. I also wonder why people do it repeatedly. That is the true miracle of childbirth, the repeat offenders. I also believe this is the source of the "all fathers are idiots" stereotype I have been mentioning. I also just want to throw in that experiencing all of this knowing that it is all leading up to one thing, watching the one you love most in the world sit in agony for several hours, does not help in the least. And before you feel you need to comment that I have it all wrong, this is all leading up to the birth of a beautiful baby, let me stop you. The baby is the consolation prize for suffering for so long. A prize that is a bundle of poop, noise, and vomit wrapped in the cutest most irresistible disguise ever concocted. But at least I will have my wife back on my team to do battle with the stinky one.
So, ladies, now that the gloves are off, you want to tell me about all those hours you spent in labor and how men are babies who could never handle the amount of pain that can only be illustrated by a "scientific fact" floating around Facebook about how giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking all the bones in your body based on a measurement of pain that does not exist (there is no such thing as a del and pain is subjective therefore it can not be measured adequately)? That is so cute. Hows about I tell you about all those months I spent in the pregnancy POW torture camp dancing with insanity and lived to tell about it? Huh? Didn't think so (That is what I will say when and if I survive this).
So, ladies, now that the gloves are off, you want to tell me about all those hours you spent in labor and how men are babies who could never handle the amount of pain that can only be illustrated by a "scientific fact" floating around Facebook about how giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking all the bones in your body based on a measurement of pain that does not exist (there is no such thing as a del and pain is subjective therefore it can not be measured adequately)? That is so cute. Hows about I tell you about all those months I spent in the pregnancy POW torture camp dancing with insanity and lived to tell about it? Huh? Didn't think so (That is what I will say when and if I survive this).