No Pain. No Gain.
Tonight's class was mainly about pain management. There are several ways to manage pain. Actually, there are 3 major ways and several minor ways. But, for all the ways we were told about tonight, I am gong to suggest something radical. We are going to hire Sensei John Kreese to be our Doula. For those of you too young to know or never cared to remember who he is, here is a refresher.
Lacking confidence after Miyagi bested him, he moved on to train in Mommy's Dojo. He will karate the pain rout out of you.
Now, before I go on, I must make a confession. I may have embellished the truth in some of these birthing class posts (not really). I may have also twisted a thing or two (or not). And all the things I type in parenthesis are not true (yes they are). Our teacher is very fun and full of knowledge (that is true). She makes the class very fun. However, some of the people in the class are a little uptight. But not all of them. And I think they are starting to relax a bit. Okay, got that out of the way. Let us move on.
The three ways to manage pain are naturally (breathing and such), IV drugs, and an epidural. There are many reasons to do or not do any of these methods. I would go into the list but it is way too long. After discussing this for a while we learned many things. We then watched a birthing video that was all about epidurals or no epidurals. It also had a surprise vagina shot where a baby came out. Those who do not like to watch were taken by surprise and seem to be a bit mortified.
After the video, we moved on to breathing and relaxation exorcizes.
The three ways to manage pain are naturally (breathing and such), IV drugs, and an epidural. There are many reasons to do or not do any of these methods. I would go into the list but it is way too long. After discussing this for a while we learned many things. We then watched a birthing video that was all about epidurals or no epidurals. It also had a surprise vagina shot where a baby came out. Those who do not like to watch were taken by surprise and seem to be a bit mortified.
After the video, we moved on to breathing and relaxation exorcizes.
Are you bored enough to karate chop a baby? That is exactly why I might stretch the truth a little from time to time. I am trying to save babies from being karate chopped. It is a noble cause. Raise awareness.
Back to the exorcizes. We first learned a new breathing technique. It is called the slow dance/grind on your man/ape drape technique. I am pretty sure that is what is was called. Basically, you can do it in three positions. First, you act like you are at a 6th grade dance slow dancing with the girl you have a crush on. Actually, closer than that. You rock back and forth while you have contractions and slowly drag your man to the ground where neither of you will be able to get back up. Or, you back it up into your man and rock your hips back and forth while he holds your tummy. I think this was also called the high school slow dance by our teacher. Or, you get behind your man and drape your arms over his shoulders and around his neck. When a contraction hits you squeeze the life out of him for doing this to you. The bonus to this maneuver is that he will break your fall should you forget to let go in time. Additional bonus is that you are in a hospital. Odds are they can bring him back to life so you can do it all over again for the next contraction. They can't really do that so easily with a home birth. Food for thought. I think you are supposed to breathe in there somewhere. Maybe between swear words and cusses.
Finally, there is the (expletive deleted) position. I will let your mind wander for a moment. Okay, this is exactly what it sounds like... to the dirty minded. She bends over a table. He stands behind her. She rocks her hips back and forth. He follows along and massages her back. That is all you sickos. This is about baby birthing not baby making. Get your mind out of the gutter.
I should mention that I did get preemptively chastised by the teacher before doing this technique. I am not going to say it was unwarranted. It is almost like she can read my mind.
And that was tonight's class. So, my question is, was this report better with or without the embellishments? You decide.
Back to the exorcizes. We first learned a new breathing technique. It is called the slow dance/grind on your man/ape drape technique. I am pretty sure that is what is was called. Basically, you can do it in three positions. First, you act like you are at a 6th grade dance slow dancing with the girl you have a crush on. Actually, closer than that. You rock back and forth while you have contractions and slowly drag your man to the ground where neither of you will be able to get back up. Or, you back it up into your man and rock your hips back and forth while he holds your tummy. I think this was also called the high school slow dance by our teacher. Or, you get behind your man and drape your arms over his shoulders and around his neck. When a contraction hits you squeeze the life out of him for doing this to you. The bonus to this maneuver is that he will break your fall should you forget to let go in time. Additional bonus is that you are in a hospital. Odds are they can bring him back to life so you can do it all over again for the next contraction. They can't really do that so easily with a home birth. Food for thought. I think you are supposed to breathe in there somewhere. Maybe between swear words and cusses.
Finally, there is the (expletive deleted) position. I will let your mind wander for a moment. Okay, this is exactly what it sounds like... to the dirty minded. She bends over a table. He stands behind her. She rocks her hips back and forth. He follows along and massages her back. That is all you sickos. This is about baby birthing not baby making. Get your mind out of the gutter.
I should mention that I did get preemptively chastised by the teacher before doing this technique. I am not going to say it was unwarranted. It is almost like she can read my mind.
And that was tonight's class. So, my question is, was this report better with or without the embellishments? You decide.
For those of you in the secret dad's club, here is the secret message for this week.
If you want to join the club, I will tell you how when they let me in.