Ballistics
Alright ladies (that is meant as an insult to men and by calling men ladies it is an insult to women), (it is hard to convey boot camp insults via internet text) tonight we learned about the science of projectiles. Small fleshy blueish grey baby type projectiles. It is as simple as point, click and shoot. That is if you have to pull the trigger for two hours while each pull engulfs your body with the worst pain you can imagine before the darn thing launches. And, before you can even fire the little missile, you have to go through a minimum of 12 hours of intense pain that comes and goes every few minutes.
We were educated on the arts of pushing. I wont go into too many details on that. It is pretty much what you think only more detailed. Honestly, the room they put us in is filled with sleeping gas. Our class doubles as an experiment on the effects of said gas on people who feel they need to resist on account of they really need to know what to expect and do when the times comes.
We then moved on to the actual birth moment and what to expect right after. Baby pops out after doing a "two step forward, one step back" step followed by a little twisty dance, is popped onto mom's bare chest, and we all bond. That is until they have to do stuff to the baby and mom has to give birth again. What? Yep, for those of you who don't know (guys I am talking to you for the most part, but some of you ladies might not be aware of it either), mom has to give birth to the jellyfish (aka placenta). But after squeezing a baby out, a jellyfish might not be too bad.
Speaking of people not knowing stuff, when the baby comes out, it pushes right along your poop tube all the way out. That means if there is a turd in the barrel, it is coming out too. Speaking of that, after learning this, we also found out that when the baby is ready to come out, your body feels like it has to poop right away. I'm talking about the worst Mexican food from a back alley taqueria suddenly making a hasty escape out the back door. And when it is time to push, you don't want to clench up or nothing goes anywhere. Flex the upper muscles. Relax the lower. And out it pops. Finally, something I can identify with. I have had several years to perfect this technique. I might just be of some use.
After the placenta arrives, they check it to make sure that it all came out. Then they ask what you want to do with it. Some people like to do a print of the tree of life. One side of the placenta looks like a tree. They press it against a paper or canvas and you get a bloody tree (haha! British pun). But then the question arises of what to do with it. Well, it is a lump of discarded human body junk. What should one do with such a thing? Some freeze dry it and take it as an iron supplement. Some people just want to keep it. Some eat it. That is disgusting. I say chuck it in the bin or donate it to science. The only reason I could possibly think to keep it is to save it for the day I want to completely destroy my son's childhood by telling him that was his twin brother. And we loved it more. Maybe we should keep it. You never know.
Then we were walked through the process of how the baby is cared for and what measures are taken to insure his safety. There is nothing funny about that so we will move on.
Then it came time for the birthing video. This one was all about pushing until the baby comes out and the various positions one can do that in. Pretty graphic and gooey. But, that is what the beautiful miracle of life is all about I guess.
And the night rounded out with the breathing exercises. Everyone got on the floor facing each other (couples faced each other that is). Well, we sat in chairs because that elderly wife of mine's bones are splitting in half and she can't get on the floor. Or, can't get off the floor. And before you yell at me for calling my wife elderly, if you are over 35 and pregnant, you are considered a senior citizen. So, there you have it. Medical science is heartless.
The ladies all got to hold a bit of ice in one hand to simulate contractions. The support staff (aka me and the other non-pregnant people) are responsible for making sure the baby momma is breathing properly while freezing her hand off. The technique is called the 3heehoo method. Well, I call it that. If you want you can do the 2heehoo method. These are when you exhale and say Hee, Hee, Hee, hooooooooooo. Or Hee, Hee, hooooooo. 3heehoo method. I thought it was pretty self explanatory.
And that was the class. I will say that this class really gives me a sense of security when it comes time to have the baby. I feel they will be there to help in every way. They clearly care about the people that come to them. I am so very glad we chose the hospital we did.
And, since that was too serious a note to end on, here is a picture of why men don't have babies.
We were educated on the arts of pushing. I wont go into too many details on that. It is pretty much what you think only more detailed. Honestly, the room they put us in is filled with sleeping gas. Our class doubles as an experiment on the effects of said gas on people who feel they need to resist on account of they really need to know what to expect and do when the times comes.
We then moved on to the actual birth moment and what to expect right after. Baby pops out after doing a "two step forward, one step back" step followed by a little twisty dance, is popped onto mom's bare chest, and we all bond. That is until they have to do stuff to the baby and mom has to give birth again. What? Yep, for those of you who don't know (guys I am talking to you for the most part, but some of you ladies might not be aware of it either), mom has to give birth to the jellyfish (aka placenta). But after squeezing a baby out, a jellyfish might not be too bad.
Speaking of people not knowing stuff, when the baby comes out, it pushes right along your poop tube all the way out. That means if there is a turd in the barrel, it is coming out too. Speaking of that, after learning this, we also found out that when the baby is ready to come out, your body feels like it has to poop right away. I'm talking about the worst Mexican food from a back alley taqueria suddenly making a hasty escape out the back door. And when it is time to push, you don't want to clench up or nothing goes anywhere. Flex the upper muscles. Relax the lower. And out it pops. Finally, something I can identify with. I have had several years to perfect this technique. I might just be of some use.
After the placenta arrives, they check it to make sure that it all came out. Then they ask what you want to do with it. Some people like to do a print of the tree of life. One side of the placenta looks like a tree. They press it against a paper or canvas and you get a bloody tree (haha! British pun). But then the question arises of what to do with it. Well, it is a lump of discarded human body junk. What should one do with such a thing? Some freeze dry it and take it as an iron supplement. Some people just want to keep it. Some eat it. That is disgusting. I say chuck it in the bin or donate it to science. The only reason I could possibly think to keep it is to save it for the day I want to completely destroy my son's childhood by telling him that was his twin brother. And we loved it more. Maybe we should keep it. You never know.
Then we were walked through the process of how the baby is cared for and what measures are taken to insure his safety. There is nothing funny about that so we will move on.
Then it came time for the birthing video. This one was all about pushing until the baby comes out and the various positions one can do that in. Pretty graphic and gooey. But, that is what the beautiful miracle of life is all about I guess.
And the night rounded out with the breathing exercises. Everyone got on the floor facing each other (couples faced each other that is). Well, we sat in chairs because that elderly wife of mine's bones are splitting in half and she can't get on the floor. Or, can't get off the floor. And before you yell at me for calling my wife elderly, if you are over 35 and pregnant, you are considered a senior citizen. So, there you have it. Medical science is heartless.
The ladies all got to hold a bit of ice in one hand to simulate contractions. The support staff (aka me and the other non-pregnant people) are responsible for making sure the baby momma is breathing properly while freezing her hand off. The technique is called the 3heehoo method. Well, I call it that. If you want you can do the 2heehoo method. These are when you exhale and say Hee, Hee, Hee, hooooooooooo. Or Hee, Hee, hooooooo. 3heehoo method. I thought it was pretty self explanatory.
And that was the class. I will say that this class really gives me a sense of security when it comes time to have the baby. I feel they will be there to help in every way. They clearly care about the people that come to them. I am so very glad we chose the hospital we did.
And, since that was too serious a note to end on, here is a picture of why men don't have babies.