Okay, you bunch of soggy poop sandwiches!
The purpose you serve is simply to distract her from pain. The ways to do this include but are not limited to massage, taking her for a walk as you massage her, act as a leaning post that also massages, slow dance with her while you rub her back, and in the event of back labor you will be required to apply extreme pressure to her buttom (without massaging).
If she so allows, you may be able to leave from time to time to evacuate your system. Otherwise, you can hold it until you feel the same pain she does. You may also get food if you are in favored standing.
Next topic, wait. Let's address something you may not be ready for. In such a class, there will be terms used that make some people uncomfortable. You might just have to get used to hearing them. I am not talking about words like penis or scrotum. Nope. You will hear nothing about them. Instead, you will hear vagina a lot. Also, vaginal. Surprisingly, many people cringe every time the word is said. I am pretty sure we all know what it is and can be adults about it. The one term I cringe at every time is mucus plug. It just sounds ooky.
Okay, back to the next topic. There is an ideal position the baby can be in for birth. This is called the octopus position. Okay, things might be a little hazy due to the lack of sleep I have been experiencing lately. But, I am pretty sure that she said octopus. This is when the baby is facing toward mommy's buttom. If the baby is facing the other way it is called the okay position (again, I might be a little hazy). When the baby is "okay" you get back labor. That is when the "okay" facing baby pushes on the mother's spanktum (tail bone). This is the point where Coach Doody pushes mommy's buttom as hard as he or she can. One way to fix this is to enlist gravity to your cause. Mommy gets down on all fours and barks like a dog (barking optional). Or, she can put her leg up on a chair and do lunges. The last one is a little silly when mommy can't even lift her foot up to tie her shoe.
Now, if you are wondering about true labor vs. false labor, we got the 511:( on that. Yes, 411 is information. I know. Information in the not pregnant world that is. 511:( is when your contractions are 5 minutes apart, last for 1 minute for 1 hour, and you have a sad face about it. That is when you need to go in. There are several other signs telling you to get to the hospital. It is best if you listen to the advice they give or else enroll in a driving course that specializes in "one hand on the wheel, other hand on the hoohaw (vagina) to keep the baby in" style of vehicle opperation. Or, take a course in midwifery. I am sure you can find a reputable school in the back of a comic book that will get you up to speed in time for the big day.
And as always, we watched another birthing video. This time it was a quick birth with no complications. Once again, there were people who just could not watch it. I sort of want to be a fly on the wall when it is their turn.
And then the evening was brought to a close with the breathing/relaxation exercise on the floor once again. Our first test was to see which Coach Doodys could not hack it. Our instructor gave us all clothes pins. This was a mistake. My lady and I proceeded to find any and all places to clip them. Having been properly chastised, we moved on to the real test. We had to squeeze the pin open and close as best we could for one minute. I can proudly say I had no problem keeping a steady pace for the whole minute without cramping up. I am the Ultimate Doody. Round two was to do it again while massaging your pregnant lady (massaging other pregnant ladies is frowned upon apparently). It was designed to show them how slight of hand can trick them into not hurting. Abracadabra! You have been mystified! And now the pain is back. Or is it? I'm magic. And you are now in pain again. This is fun.
We then did a breathing exercise and relaxation technique that involved massaging. The instructor suggested a facial massage. I guess my "Super Smoosh Face" technique was humorous to the instructor as she was unable to function for a few moments while she was doubled over laughing.
And on that note, I will leave you in anticipation of next weeks class report. The focus is "Pain Control". I will let you guess who gets the best drugs. I hope it is me.