Beginner Level
So, the baby is here and there is not a whole lot for dads to do. If you are like me, your wife had a Cesarian section and is not allowed to lift anything heavier than a baby. Your job title has now become "waits around until he needs to lift something" guy. You can't go too far away as you might be needed at any moment. There really isn't a lot to do inside so you sit and dream of sleeping because you can't. You can eat, though. And you do. Let's face it dads, pregnancy makes you a bit flabby. Post pregnancy isn't much better. It happens to a lot of guys. Don't feel ashamed. I gained 40 pounds while waiting for little Hubert. Now it is time to lose it.
How do you know? Well, there are several signs. If you have any problems your lady complained about while being pregnant (can't reach your feet, can't see certain parts of your anatomy) you need to evaluate your physical state. If your baby gets confused when it tries to suckle upon your moobs because they look like a more hairy version of mom's boobs, you may need to think about doing something. If you are not sure what moobs are, they are flabby man boobs also known as
* He-Hooters
* Dude Rack
* Man Cans
* Papa Tatas
* Breasticles
* Man-mories
* Victor’s Secrets
and my personal favorite,
Gentleman Jigglers.
I want to make this clear. I am not trying to perpetuate the stereotype of what men need to look like or what real men are supposed to look like.
How do you know? Well, there are several signs. If you have any problems your lady complained about while being pregnant (can't reach your feet, can't see certain parts of your anatomy) you need to evaluate your physical state. If your baby gets confused when it tries to suckle upon your moobs because they look like a more hairy version of mom's boobs, you may need to think about doing something. If you are not sure what moobs are, they are flabby man boobs also known as
* He-Hooters
* Dude Rack
* Man Cans
* Papa Tatas
* Breasticles
* Man-mories
* Victor’s Secrets
and my personal favorite,
Gentleman Jigglers.
I want to make this clear. I am not trying to perpetuate the stereotype of what men need to look like or what real men are supposed to look like.
Yes, that happens to men too. Not just a thing for the ladies. An experiment I am so proud of was when I posted a picture of Mr. Tatum next to a man with a little flab to his ab with the caption "Real men have curves". You may recognize this from the millions of pictures of women with a little meat on them sporting the same caption. The response I got was all about how men need to look like the Chanster. Very interesting double standard.
Anyway, let us get back on track. I am simply saying that being overweight is unhealthy. You don't have to be able to get stains out of your laundry by rubbing them across your washboard stomach. But, you don't need to lose thing forever because you sat on them either (such as the remote or other things that tuck into your rolls). You need to be healthier so your kid can't take advantage of you so easily in the future.
But, what can you do? Well, let me introduce you to a little thing I call the Daddy Workout. All you need is a baby, a car seat, and someone to leave whatever you need far out of reach. Here we go.
First, you need a baby. Next, get all the stuff you need to to care of a baby but don't put it near you. You are ready for your first round of exercises. These build up endurance.
1. Hold The Baby
This one sounds easy but isn't. You are probably already doing it. It turns out the quickest way to turn your arms into jelly is to hold your kid without resting your arm on anything. Do this often and you will start to get used to it. The funny thing is that the longer you do it the stronger you get. However, as time goes on, the baby gets bigger. You have a perpetually increasing weight system.
2. The Low Change
I assume you have the changing area all sorted out. I bet it sits at a comfortable height. Lower it. Lower it so you have to stoop when you change the kid. This will either build up your back muscles or throw your back out for a month. I am not sure which way my back is choosing.
3. The Holden Stand
This is where it comes in handy to be a bit forgetful and have a lady who is the same. Don't grab anything you need to take care of the baby. Instead, hold your kid and sit down. Now hold your kid and stand up because you forgot the bottle. Now sit. Now stand and get the burp rag. Now sit. Now stand and get the pacifier. Now sit. This leads into the variation of the Holden Stand.
4. The Holden Stand Sittinrock
Begin with the Holden Stand. Once you have claimed the pacifier you now rock the kid to sleep. Use one leg to rock for a few minutes and switch to the other. Do this until the kid is sound asleep. Now slowly rise without waking the baby, cross to the baby bed and carefully set it down. Remove your hands very strategically. I suggest many hours of Jenga to perfect this move.
Now that you have built up your endurance, it is time to do some cardio. There is a good old fashion way of getting your heart rate up but your lady may not be cleared for relations. Also, she may not have the energy to do something as mundane as going for a walk. Here are some other options.
5. Hot Poo-tato
This is a fun one but unless you get good at it, it can backfire (buh dum dum). Wait for your little one to get ready for a big nasty poop. At just the right moment, hand the kid off to your lady like a relay baton. With some skill, you will manage to hand her a time bomb just before it goes off. Now run away muttering something about things you have to do that don't relate to being near a diaper changing. If you do this too soon, you will return to a baby boom that will be disguised as a bundle of joy that missed daddy so much.
6. Fire Hose Dash
Should you have timed your Hot Pootato poorly or otherwise got stuck with diaper duty (hee hee doody), the games continue. This time you are racing against the clock. Your mission is to get the dirty diaper off, wipe, and reapply a clean diaper before the buzzer sounds and the water main breaks. Good times.
7. The Old Lady Dodge and Dash
The intensity level of this one is directly related to the cuteness of your kid. Take your kid to a store or other place where elderly women like to congregate. The bigger the venue the better. If nothing else, go to Sizzler. I like Costco on Social Security check day. It is a giant store filled with tons of cheek pinchers. Your task is to get down every isle as quick as possible without stopping. If you are about to get stopped turn around and go to a different isle. If you do get stopped you have to start over at the entrance. The ultimate challenge is getting through the vitamins and supplements section near the pharmacy. My personal best is 4 hours. What can I say? My kid is cute.
For this section, you will need a baby and a car seat. Possibly a stroller. It should be pretty easy to find time for this as you are the guy who lifts things. You have to accompany your lady to the doctor and other such places. Try it while you are waiting.
8. The Ab-bominator
With your kid securely strapped in, hold the car seat out in front of you for as long as you can. Lower. Try again. It is not a good idea to try this in public if you are gassy.
9. The Bordom Swing/Low Hanging Fruit
While your lady is going on and on about all sorts of junk, swing the car seat from side to side. Alternate between both hands. Sounds easy until you try it. Next, place your feet as far apart as is comfortable. Now swing the car seat back and forth between your legs. Low hanging fruit.
10. The Curling Iron
Just like when you had a gym membership for that week, do bicep curls using the car seat as weight. After a few reps, go find a nice corner to cry in.
11. The 2 door scramble
This one may not be available to everyone. Get a 2 door car that is small in relation to your size. Now put the car seat in the back without getting in completely or touching the back seat. That is a full body workout in itself.
And that is the beginner level of the Daddy Workout. I have already lost 3 pounds in less than 3 weeks. Obviously it only works while your kid is in an infant car seat. But as I mentioned earlier, the kid gains weight adding new levels to your workout. If you wish to intensify your experience at a faster pace, add in lifting stuff between reps and cooking dinner. Also, you could clean up the place. No sense in sitting around watching TV in a pig sty (the longer you sit the more likely it is your lady is going to drop a diaper bomb on you or make you go do stuff you don't want to).
If you stick with this system, I guarantee that you will have the chiseled abs of Mr. Channing Tatum, the 24 inch pythons of Hulk Hogan, and the legs of Cindy Crawford. Or you will be paralyzed. Or crazy.
Look for more Daddy work outs coming in the future. You will have to wait until I invent them. And, that will only happen when my kid gets too big for this routine. I imagine there will be lots of running.
Anyway, let us get back on track. I am simply saying that being overweight is unhealthy. You don't have to be able to get stains out of your laundry by rubbing them across your washboard stomach. But, you don't need to lose thing forever because you sat on them either (such as the remote or other things that tuck into your rolls). You need to be healthier so your kid can't take advantage of you so easily in the future.
But, what can you do? Well, let me introduce you to a little thing I call the Daddy Workout. All you need is a baby, a car seat, and someone to leave whatever you need far out of reach. Here we go.
First, you need a baby. Next, get all the stuff you need to to care of a baby but don't put it near you. You are ready for your first round of exercises. These build up endurance.
1. Hold The Baby
This one sounds easy but isn't. You are probably already doing it. It turns out the quickest way to turn your arms into jelly is to hold your kid without resting your arm on anything. Do this often and you will start to get used to it. The funny thing is that the longer you do it the stronger you get. However, as time goes on, the baby gets bigger. You have a perpetually increasing weight system.
2. The Low Change
I assume you have the changing area all sorted out. I bet it sits at a comfortable height. Lower it. Lower it so you have to stoop when you change the kid. This will either build up your back muscles or throw your back out for a month. I am not sure which way my back is choosing.
3. The Holden Stand
This is where it comes in handy to be a bit forgetful and have a lady who is the same. Don't grab anything you need to take care of the baby. Instead, hold your kid and sit down. Now hold your kid and stand up because you forgot the bottle. Now sit. Now stand and get the burp rag. Now sit. Now stand and get the pacifier. Now sit. This leads into the variation of the Holden Stand.
4. The Holden Stand Sittinrock
Begin with the Holden Stand. Once you have claimed the pacifier you now rock the kid to sleep. Use one leg to rock for a few minutes and switch to the other. Do this until the kid is sound asleep. Now slowly rise without waking the baby, cross to the baby bed and carefully set it down. Remove your hands very strategically. I suggest many hours of Jenga to perfect this move.
Now that you have built up your endurance, it is time to do some cardio. There is a good old fashion way of getting your heart rate up but your lady may not be cleared for relations. Also, she may not have the energy to do something as mundane as going for a walk. Here are some other options.
5. Hot Poo-tato
This is a fun one but unless you get good at it, it can backfire (buh dum dum). Wait for your little one to get ready for a big nasty poop. At just the right moment, hand the kid off to your lady like a relay baton. With some skill, you will manage to hand her a time bomb just before it goes off. Now run away muttering something about things you have to do that don't relate to being near a diaper changing. If you do this too soon, you will return to a baby boom that will be disguised as a bundle of joy that missed daddy so much.
6. Fire Hose Dash
Should you have timed your Hot Pootato poorly or otherwise got stuck with diaper duty (hee hee doody), the games continue. This time you are racing against the clock. Your mission is to get the dirty diaper off, wipe, and reapply a clean diaper before the buzzer sounds and the water main breaks. Good times.
7. The Old Lady Dodge and Dash
The intensity level of this one is directly related to the cuteness of your kid. Take your kid to a store or other place where elderly women like to congregate. The bigger the venue the better. If nothing else, go to Sizzler. I like Costco on Social Security check day. It is a giant store filled with tons of cheek pinchers. Your task is to get down every isle as quick as possible without stopping. If you are about to get stopped turn around and go to a different isle. If you do get stopped you have to start over at the entrance. The ultimate challenge is getting through the vitamins and supplements section near the pharmacy. My personal best is 4 hours. What can I say? My kid is cute.
For this section, you will need a baby and a car seat. Possibly a stroller. It should be pretty easy to find time for this as you are the guy who lifts things. You have to accompany your lady to the doctor and other such places. Try it while you are waiting.
8. The Ab-bominator
With your kid securely strapped in, hold the car seat out in front of you for as long as you can. Lower. Try again. It is not a good idea to try this in public if you are gassy.
9. The Bordom Swing/Low Hanging Fruit
While your lady is going on and on about all sorts of junk, swing the car seat from side to side. Alternate between both hands. Sounds easy until you try it. Next, place your feet as far apart as is comfortable. Now swing the car seat back and forth between your legs. Low hanging fruit.
10. The Curling Iron
Just like when you had a gym membership for that week, do bicep curls using the car seat as weight. After a few reps, go find a nice corner to cry in.
11. The 2 door scramble
This one may not be available to everyone. Get a 2 door car that is small in relation to your size. Now put the car seat in the back without getting in completely or touching the back seat. That is a full body workout in itself.
And that is the beginner level of the Daddy Workout. I have already lost 3 pounds in less than 3 weeks. Obviously it only works while your kid is in an infant car seat. But as I mentioned earlier, the kid gains weight adding new levels to your workout. If you wish to intensify your experience at a faster pace, add in lifting stuff between reps and cooking dinner. Also, you could clean up the place. No sense in sitting around watching TV in a pig sty (the longer you sit the more likely it is your lady is going to drop a diaper bomb on you or make you go do stuff you don't want to).
If you stick with this system, I guarantee that you will have the chiseled abs of Mr. Channing Tatum, the 24 inch pythons of Hulk Hogan, and the legs of Cindy Crawford. Or you will be paralyzed. Or crazy.
Look for more Daddy work outs coming in the future. You will have to wait until I invent them. And, that will only happen when my kid gets too big for this routine. I imagine there will be lots of running.