a.k.a. Baby Boot Camp
That's right maggot, you are now in the big leagues. This stuff just got real. You are going to see things you never thought possible. You are going to learn all about things that will make you hurl your guts out. You will be shown videos of the most godawful images to prepare you for the most horrific moment of your life. And, they have cookies.
We just started our birthing class. The first installment was mostly a "get to know what you are going to get to know" sort of thing. Mainly all I learned was that the umbilical cord, amniotic sac, and placenta all look like a jelly fish. Also, the top of the uterus is called something that starts with an F, and it is a hard worker. Glad I was paying attention.
The basic course of study was centered on her anatomy. There is nothing like seeing a skeletal version of your wife's pelvic region to really get you going. See, when you first get together with your lady, that area is viewed in a certain way that most might call dirty. Once she is pregnant, you will not see it the same again. It is sort of like renting a house that suddenly has a tenant in the basement. The house is beautiful. You love living there. But now someone else is always there. You don't see them, but you know they are there. That sort of detracts from the value a bit. Now you are working on evicting that tenant in the basement, but it is not as simple as just walking out the front door. So, now you are studying the plans in its bare bones form to find out exactly how you are going to remove that one. It is going to be a messy, nerve wracking, and traumatic experience for all. And, it is not a project you necessarily want to be around until you have to.
Another topic was packing your baby bag. This is the point when I realized the stereotype of "Idiot Father" is still fully in effect. The idea was that when the woman is ready to go to the hospital, the man runs around crazy and remembers to bring the bag or the lady, never both. The big example was that women should pre-pack a bag and set it somewhere easy for him to find. That way, if you have to send him to go get it, you can give him basic instructions designed for a four year old. But, be prepared for him to still screw that up. If you have a brush stuffed in the very back of the bottom drawer, that is the one he is going to grab. Yes, this actually happened. In defense of the poor guy who did this and left a stain on the integrity of all men everywhere, guys don't give a crap about the fine details of your beauty routine. A brush is a brush. I don't know too many women who present their favorite brush to a man so that he might gaze upon it in awe while she tells of her affection for this holy grail of hair taming bliss. A BRUSH IS A BRUSH. If you need a certain item and you have many of them, tell him which one you want. Tell him more than once.
The final point that was stressed to the men was that of breath aroma status. If you have stinky breath you will die. Get some Tic Tacs and keep them handy. Also, get some mouthwash and keep it in your pocket. This is not for you. Your lady tends to vomit while in labor. When she does, you will get to be the hero by swooping in with a magic elixir of puke begone breath revitalizer. That actually works for everyone.
Each class end with a video of a birth. You will quickly become aware of those who have never seen a birth in video format or real life. I advise you to watch a birthing video before you attend the first class. That is if you are squeamish about this stuff. You will be amazed at how much like a blue rubber chicken a baby resembles when forcefully evicted.
After the video, it is relaxation time. This is when all the pregnant ladies are put in the last place they should be put, the ground. Fortunately, they have rock hard mats for them to lay on. They also gave us a quarter in thick yoga mat to make it all better. This is where we learn to relax our muscles, fall asleep faster, and help progress labor along. The hardest part of all of it is the very end of class. Said pregnant women need no longer be on the ground. It is up to the men (I should say coaches to avoid sounding sexist, but all the coaches in our class are men, so...) to get the unbending, uncoordinated women (I should say pregnant people to avoid sounding sexist, but all the pregnant people in our class are women, so...) off the ground and in a walking toward the door type position. Sounds easy enough. However, some women get what I like to call jelly bones. This is not to be confused with the cartilage in their bodies softening. Nope, this is when women's bones are no longer rigid and functioning as a normal human's do. You can tell when this strikes because your lady will just stop what she is doing and look off into space as if trying to will herself back together. She will not say anything unless you try to move her. I recommend caution when interfering with this process. She is in a state of flux and any interruption can prove fatal, to you that is.
So, in conclusion, there are a lot of things to learn in this class, your views on many things are going to change even more, and jellyfish are everywhere. See you after the next class.
We just started our birthing class. The first installment was mostly a "get to know what you are going to get to know" sort of thing. Mainly all I learned was that the umbilical cord, amniotic sac, and placenta all look like a jelly fish. Also, the top of the uterus is called something that starts with an F, and it is a hard worker. Glad I was paying attention.
The basic course of study was centered on her anatomy. There is nothing like seeing a skeletal version of your wife's pelvic region to really get you going. See, when you first get together with your lady, that area is viewed in a certain way that most might call dirty. Once she is pregnant, you will not see it the same again. It is sort of like renting a house that suddenly has a tenant in the basement. The house is beautiful. You love living there. But now someone else is always there. You don't see them, but you know they are there. That sort of detracts from the value a bit. Now you are working on evicting that tenant in the basement, but it is not as simple as just walking out the front door. So, now you are studying the plans in its bare bones form to find out exactly how you are going to remove that one. It is going to be a messy, nerve wracking, and traumatic experience for all. And, it is not a project you necessarily want to be around until you have to.
Another topic was packing your baby bag. This is the point when I realized the stereotype of "Idiot Father" is still fully in effect. The idea was that when the woman is ready to go to the hospital, the man runs around crazy and remembers to bring the bag or the lady, never both. The big example was that women should pre-pack a bag and set it somewhere easy for him to find. That way, if you have to send him to go get it, you can give him basic instructions designed for a four year old. But, be prepared for him to still screw that up. If you have a brush stuffed in the very back of the bottom drawer, that is the one he is going to grab. Yes, this actually happened. In defense of the poor guy who did this and left a stain on the integrity of all men everywhere, guys don't give a crap about the fine details of your beauty routine. A brush is a brush. I don't know too many women who present their favorite brush to a man so that he might gaze upon it in awe while she tells of her affection for this holy grail of hair taming bliss. A BRUSH IS A BRUSH. If you need a certain item and you have many of them, tell him which one you want. Tell him more than once.
The final point that was stressed to the men was that of breath aroma status. If you have stinky breath you will die. Get some Tic Tacs and keep them handy. Also, get some mouthwash and keep it in your pocket. This is not for you. Your lady tends to vomit while in labor. When she does, you will get to be the hero by swooping in with a magic elixir of puke begone breath revitalizer. That actually works for everyone.
Each class end with a video of a birth. You will quickly become aware of those who have never seen a birth in video format or real life. I advise you to watch a birthing video before you attend the first class. That is if you are squeamish about this stuff. You will be amazed at how much like a blue rubber chicken a baby resembles when forcefully evicted.
After the video, it is relaxation time. This is when all the pregnant ladies are put in the last place they should be put, the ground. Fortunately, they have rock hard mats for them to lay on. They also gave us a quarter in thick yoga mat to make it all better. This is where we learn to relax our muscles, fall asleep faster, and help progress labor along. The hardest part of all of it is the very end of class. Said pregnant women need no longer be on the ground. It is up to the men (I should say coaches to avoid sounding sexist, but all the coaches in our class are men, so...) to get the unbending, uncoordinated women (I should say pregnant people to avoid sounding sexist, but all the pregnant people in our class are women, so...) off the ground and in a walking toward the door type position. Sounds easy enough. However, some women get what I like to call jelly bones. This is not to be confused with the cartilage in their bodies softening. Nope, this is when women's bones are no longer rigid and functioning as a normal human's do. You can tell when this strikes because your lady will just stop what she is doing and look off into space as if trying to will herself back together. She will not say anything unless you try to move her. I recommend caution when interfering with this process. She is in a state of flux and any interruption can prove fatal, to you that is.
So, in conclusion, there are a lot of things to learn in this class, your views on many things are going to change even more, and jellyfish are everywhere. See you after the next class.