Things that can go wrong.
Okay, this class was all about inducing labor, Cesarian section, and things they may have to do to get your baby out. Most of these things are not fun. Honestly, there is nothing funny about the topics we went over (except maybe nipple stimulation). So, in lieu of trying to make light of serious events, I will be presenting a few what-nots and if-you-wills I have collected but never felt they were good enough to carry a full blog. It might actually just be a rant, but who cares.
On with the show. Oh, I might should mention that some people may get a little peeved at some of the things I am about to say. Well, to be honest (and I don't mean to be rude), oh well. Some things just need to be said and most people are afraid to say them. If you only know me from this blog, you probably think that I am a funny guy with a neato perspective on things who likes to make jokes about everything. Or, you can't help but wonder why they let just anyone have a blog. To that I say talk to the people at Weebly. They gave me this for free.
Now, if you know me outside of the blog, you might think the same thing but that is because you don't know me that well. However, if you do know me well, you know that I am not afraid to speak my mind. I believe honesty is the best policy. And most of my closest friends know not to ask my opinion unless they want the truth no matter how brutal it may be. If you ever see me and I am not really saying much, I am most likely holding my tongue because I don't know you that well. Or, I just don't feel up to all the drama and emotional junk that usually comes as a result of said honesty. Or, I just have nothing to say. Either way, I think that was a pretty good disclaimer. Moving on.
I would like to kick this off with some stupid trends that are popping up. And the first recipient of my wrath would be those who have a grandparents shower. What better way to say "I know this is your baby and you deserve the attention, but even though I already had a baby shower when I was carrying you, I feel I need to take the spotlight and celebrate me for a while. I need to tell the world that the child you are carrying is not your child. It is my grandchild. Even though you have gone through all the work of growing it inside of you, I need everyone to look at me and praise me for all the hard work I do watching you get bigger and struggle to do everyday tasks without injuring yourself. And, they need to buy me presents. I deserve presents". Yeah, whoever thinks it is a good idea to detract from a pregnant women's big day has never had to live with a pregnant woman. Baby showers are a tradition that has lasted decades if not centuries. Let her have her day and quit trying to make it all about you. If you are guilty of this, shame on you.
Speaking of showers, what is the deal with men throwing and attending these showers? Women have a shower so they can all sit around and compare birth horror stories and employ their skills at one-upmanship. Or, would it be one-upwomenship? Anyway, this is a time for the women to get together and smell pretend poop in real diapers to see who wins a silly prize of some sort. I don't say this in a sexist way. The simple fact is that men don't have babies. And if you are going to bring up the guy on Oprah who had a baby, newsflash, males don't have a uterus, ovaries, and other female equipment that makes them female. That is why they are males and not females. Growing a beard makes a woman into a man like waxing my legs makes me a woman. The point is, if you are a man and your lady is having a shower, let her have it. If you need the attention read the above paragraph and change it from grandparents to you. If you still have an unquenchable thirst for attention, go to the people at Weebly and start a blog about your experiences as a father to be. Also, there is a thing called a diaper party. This is where you invite your friends over and drink. The price of admission is a package of diapers. Win win.
Here is a hot topic, who should be in the delivery room? That is entirely up to you. May I make a few suggestions? When making your list of people you want in the delivery room, consider who you would like to show your boobs to, who you would like to give the opportunity to memorize every contour of your vagina because it is going to be out there for all to see for plenty of time, who do you want to poop in front of, and who will forgive you for the nasty things you say in the heat of the moment. Even worse, who are you willing to expose your unshaven legs to. At this point, your list has most likely dwindled to nobody. There usually will be some pushy people who feel they deserve to be in there. Guess what? This is your delivery and you make the rules. Our rule was simple. Anyone who was there for conception is allowed in the room for birth. That narrowed our list down to the two of us and the dog. Let's not ask too many questions. The dog has seen things. She is not happy about that. We feel that this is our moment. As far as parents and siblings go, they had their day. No offense intended but this is our moment and we want it to be for us. After the baby is born and we have our family bonding time, we will announce it to everyone at which time they will all be more than welcome to come visit the baby.
So, at this point you are probably thinking that we have had several issues with family stealing the spotlight and our decisions about the birth. Nope. My wife likes to read the forums for a lot of baby sites. One in particular is What to Expect When You Are Expecting. She shares the best of the best posts and I grit my teeth. One of the best topics people like to whine about has to do with physical relations. Which brings us to the great big words that follow.
On with the show. Oh, I might should mention that some people may get a little peeved at some of the things I am about to say. Well, to be honest (and I don't mean to be rude), oh well. Some things just need to be said and most people are afraid to say them. If you only know me from this blog, you probably think that I am a funny guy with a neato perspective on things who likes to make jokes about everything. Or, you can't help but wonder why they let just anyone have a blog. To that I say talk to the people at Weebly. They gave me this for free.
Now, if you know me outside of the blog, you might think the same thing but that is because you don't know me that well. However, if you do know me well, you know that I am not afraid to speak my mind. I believe honesty is the best policy. And most of my closest friends know not to ask my opinion unless they want the truth no matter how brutal it may be. If you ever see me and I am not really saying much, I am most likely holding my tongue because I don't know you that well. Or, I just don't feel up to all the drama and emotional junk that usually comes as a result of said honesty. Or, I just have nothing to say. Either way, I think that was a pretty good disclaimer. Moving on.
I would like to kick this off with some stupid trends that are popping up. And the first recipient of my wrath would be those who have a grandparents shower. What better way to say "I know this is your baby and you deserve the attention, but even though I already had a baby shower when I was carrying you, I feel I need to take the spotlight and celebrate me for a while. I need to tell the world that the child you are carrying is not your child. It is my grandchild. Even though you have gone through all the work of growing it inside of you, I need everyone to look at me and praise me for all the hard work I do watching you get bigger and struggle to do everyday tasks without injuring yourself. And, they need to buy me presents. I deserve presents". Yeah, whoever thinks it is a good idea to detract from a pregnant women's big day has never had to live with a pregnant woman. Baby showers are a tradition that has lasted decades if not centuries. Let her have her day and quit trying to make it all about you. If you are guilty of this, shame on you.
Speaking of showers, what is the deal with men throwing and attending these showers? Women have a shower so they can all sit around and compare birth horror stories and employ their skills at one-upmanship. Or, would it be one-upwomenship? Anyway, this is a time for the women to get together and smell pretend poop in real diapers to see who wins a silly prize of some sort. I don't say this in a sexist way. The simple fact is that men don't have babies. And if you are going to bring up the guy on Oprah who had a baby, newsflash, males don't have a uterus, ovaries, and other female equipment that makes them female. That is why they are males and not females. Growing a beard makes a woman into a man like waxing my legs makes me a woman. The point is, if you are a man and your lady is having a shower, let her have it. If you need the attention read the above paragraph and change it from grandparents to you. If you still have an unquenchable thirst for attention, go to the people at Weebly and start a blog about your experiences as a father to be. Also, there is a thing called a diaper party. This is where you invite your friends over and drink. The price of admission is a package of diapers. Win win.
Here is a hot topic, who should be in the delivery room? That is entirely up to you. May I make a few suggestions? When making your list of people you want in the delivery room, consider who you would like to show your boobs to, who you would like to give the opportunity to memorize every contour of your vagina because it is going to be out there for all to see for plenty of time, who do you want to poop in front of, and who will forgive you for the nasty things you say in the heat of the moment. Even worse, who are you willing to expose your unshaven legs to. At this point, your list has most likely dwindled to nobody. There usually will be some pushy people who feel they deserve to be in there. Guess what? This is your delivery and you make the rules. Our rule was simple. Anyone who was there for conception is allowed in the room for birth. That narrowed our list down to the two of us and the dog. Let's not ask too many questions. The dog has seen things. She is not happy about that. We feel that this is our moment. As far as parents and siblings go, they had their day. No offense intended but this is our moment and we want it to be for us. After the baby is born and we have our family bonding time, we will announce it to everyone at which time they will all be more than welcome to come visit the baby.
So, at this point you are probably thinking that we have had several issues with family stealing the spotlight and our decisions about the birth. Nope. My wife likes to read the forums for a lot of baby sites. One in particular is What to Expect When You Are Expecting. She shares the best of the best posts and I grit my teeth. One of the best topics people like to whine about has to do with physical relations. Which brings us to the great big words that follow.
WARNING!!!!! This next part is about sex. If you are uncomfortable when it comes to talking about sex than skip to the all clear section.
Let's talk about sex bay-bee. Let's talk about you and me. Okay, so there are so many topics I can cover and it could easily fill a blog. But, I really don't feel like posting that sort of filth on here. I will however, post that same smut hidden in the middle of an innocent blog. This is your last chance to skip the dirty stuff. I will mention specifics of certain acts. So, skip to the all clear. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If you still think it is okay, read on. Still here? You perv. I like your style. Anyway, here we go.
And major complaint is the amount of sex. For some it is not enough. For others, it is too much. And still others are turned off by the very thought of it. This works for both men and women. I can speak from experience that sex after pregnancy is different. For one thing, the hormones in women and men both change. Men have an increase of estrogen and a decrease in libido. Physically speaking aside, there is most definitely a mental shift. Something changes knowing there is a child in there. Just not the same. Before, when you felt slightly frisky, you went for it. Now, your drive is down and there is an uncanny feeling of someone watching you from the deep dark crevices of the shadows. Too much pressure and some guys get performance anxiety.
Some guys are scared that if they do have sex they can injure the baby. Don't flatter yourself, John Holmes. That particular area is very stretchy. You would have to be like 14 inches to make contact (I got that tidbit from What To Expect). Statistically speaking, unless you are part of the sexy circus sideshow, you have nothing to worry about.
Ladies, quit whining about your man refusing to "go downtown". In case you haven't noticed, there is a whole lot of yuck going on down there. His mouth is no place for that yuck.
Speaking of lady parts, the boobs are eventually off the table. Those are reserved for the baby at some point. Some guys are into the whole breast milk thing. Not this guy. Boobs, at this point, are baby food factories and that is it. For that reason, they are also torture to look at as they continuously attempt to pop out. If you don't think I have presented enough reasons to justify avoiding the boobs, I have one more. Nipple crust.
And finally, "sex is just not the same". Guess what? You are right. It isn't. Women tend to get less flexible as the pregnancy progresses. Less bendy equals less crazy. There are fewer and fewer positions available. Eventually (unless she is a baby toting gymnast) it comes down to roughly two. Poor choice in words. Roughly is not an option at this point.
In short, people, sex during pregnancy is in fact different. It is not as good. It ain't going to happen that much. Deal with it. Pregnancy is not forever. The waiting after delivery while she heals just might be though. And that concludes the dirty portion of our blog.
And major complaint is the amount of sex. For some it is not enough. For others, it is too much. And still others are turned off by the very thought of it. This works for both men and women. I can speak from experience that sex after pregnancy is different. For one thing, the hormones in women and men both change. Men have an increase of estrogen and a decrease in libido. Physically speaking aside, there is most definitely a mental shift. Something changes knowing there is a child in there. Just not the same. Before, when you felt slightly frisky, you went for it. Now, your drive is down and there is an uncanny feeling of someone watching you from the deep dark crevices of the shadows. Too much pressure and some guys get performance anxiety.
Some guys are scared that if they do have sex they can injure the baby. Don't flatter yourself, John Holmes. That particular area is very stretchy. You would have to be like 14 inches to make contact (I got that tidbit from What To Expect). Statistically speaking, unless you are part of the sexy circus sideshow, you have nothing to worry about.
Ladies, quit whining about your man refusing to "go downtown". In case you haven't noticed, there is a whole lot of yuck going on down there. His mouth is no place for that yuck.
Speaking of lady parts, the boobs are eventually off the table. Those are reserved for the baby at some point. Some guys are into the whole breast milk thing. Not this guy. Boobs, at this point, are baby food factories and that is it. For that reason, they are also torture to look at as they continuously attempt to pop out. If you don't think I have presented enough reasons to justify avoiding the boobs, I have one more. Nipple crust.
And finally, "sex is just not the same". Guess what? You are right. It isn't. Women tend to get less flexible as the pregnancy progresses. Less bendy equals less crazy. There are fewer and fewer positions available. Eventually (unless she is a baby toting gymnast) it comes down to roughly two. Poor choice in words. Roughly is not an option at this point.
In short, people, sex during pregnancy is in fact different. It is not as good. It ain't going to happen that much. Deal with it. Pregnancy is not forever. The waiting after delivery while she heals just might be though. And that concludes the dirty portion of our blog.
ALL CLEAR!!!!
And to finish it all out, I could talk about the fact that people are spending $4000 on baby pictures when they have a camera built in to their phone that is free. Or, I can address the major issue of the elaborate outfit your kid is supposed to wear for their first ride home that they will most likely poop all over the inside of. Nope. I am going for the brass ring. My final gripe for the night is going straight for the throat. I'm talking about the ultimate expression of entitlement. Yes, you guessed it, the push present.
This is the biggest load of crap. If you don't know what I mean, don't feel bad. I had to have it explained to me too. Apparently, there is an obligation to give the baby momma a gift for pushing the kid out. Soooooo, hang on. I am supposed to go buy a gift because my wife lost track of her cycle and got us into this mess? Is this the sort of behavior we as a society want to endorse? I am just kidding. It is silly of me to think that owing someone a present because they got pregnant, carried that child to term, and then pushed it out is weird. What happened to the good old days when your reward was that you were no longer pregnant? How about once again being able to put your shoes on, roll over in bed, stand up? How about the gift of a new child? Isn't that what all the pushing led up to?
And it isn't like they want a roll s Certs for doing it either. We are talking about super expensive jewelry with stones in them with a value equal to the hospital bill. Or, they want a new car, a pool, remodel the house, huge stuff like that. And the kicker is that they feel entitled to it. They have to go through all the hardship of growing a baby and keeping it healthy until they then have to go through the agony of child birth. And since they did it, they now get a prize. Stupid. Just plain stupid.
Perhaps if you are a surrogate mother, your gift would be all the cash one usually gets for doing this sort of thing. I get that. And I don't have an issue with getting your lady something. I got my wife a few things she needed and the glider rocker is on the way. Why a glider rocker? Because the wooden rocking chair is not good enough for my lady. I got her these things because I love her and she wouldn't get them for herself. If she had required me to buy any of it, you can damn sure bet UPS would be skipping this house for a very long time. The world does not owe you anything because you either made a decision to get pregnant or that you decided not to terminate that baby. You went into this knowing there would be pain, and lots of it. Why then, I wonder, would you think that you need a obligatory gift for finishing what you started and are already getting the best gift for it? Oh the people of today. I weep for the future generations.
Some women get a gift for their baby daddy too. This is mainly to insure that they get their gift and it is good. My wife got me a bunch of cool stuff for my truck. You know why she did it? It wasn't a man push present. She loves me and wanted to do something nice for me. She also wanted to thank me for doing all the extra stuff she couldn't do anymore. My wife is awesome. She understands that the pregnancy process isn't just tough on the mother. Pregnancy is mental torture for the daddy.................. which is foreshadowing a blog that I have written and will be posting sometime in the near future.
I have ranted enough. I feel better. If you made it this far, I either didn't offend you or you are offended and waiting to see how offended you are. Either way, until next time.
This is the biggest load of crap. If you don't know what I mean, don't feel bad. I had to have it explained to me too. Apparently, there is an obligation to give the baby momma a gift for pushing the kid out. Soooooo, hang on. I am supposed to go buy a gift because my wife lost track of her cycle and got us into this mess? Is this the sort of behavior we as a society want to endorse? I am just kidding. It is silly of me to think that owing someone a present because they got pregnant, carried that child to term, and then pushed it out is weird. What happened to the good old days when your reward was that you were no longer pregnant? How about once again being able to put your shoes on, roll over in bed, stand up? How about the gift of a new child? Isn't that what all the pushing led up to?
And it isn't like they want a roll s Certs for doing it either. We are talking about super expensive jewelry with stones in them with a value equal to the hospital bill. Or, they want a new car, a pool, remodel the house, huge stuff like that. And the kicker is that they feel entitled to it. They have to go through all the hardship of growing a baby and keeping it healthy until they then have to go through the agony of child birth. And since they did it, they now get a prize. Stupid. Just plain stupid.
Perhaps if you are a surrogate mother, your gift would be all the cash one usually gets for doing this sort of thing. I get that. And I don't have an issue with getting your lady something. I got my wife a few things she needed and the glider rocker is on the way. Why a glider rocker? Because the wooden rocking chair is not good enough for my lady. I got her these things because I love her and she wouldn't get them for herself. If she had required me to buy any of it, you can damn sure bet UPS would be skipping this house for a very long time. The world does not owe you anything because you either made a decision to get pregnant or that you decided not to terminate that baby. You went into this knowing there would be pain, and lots of it. Why then, I wonder, would you think that you need a obligatory gift for finishing what you started and are already getting the best gift for it? Oh the people of today. I weep for the future generations.
Some women get a gift for their baby daddy too. This is mainly to insure that they get their gift and it is good. My wife got me a bunch of cool stuff for my truck. You know why she did it? It wasn't a man push present. She loves me and wanted to do something nice for me. She also wanted to thank me for doing all the extra stuff she couldn't do anymore. My wife is awesome. She understands that the pregnancy process isn't just tough on the mother. Pregnancy is mental torture for the daddy.................. which is foreshadowing a blog that I have written and will be posting sometime in the near future.
I have ranted enough. I feel better. If you made it this far, I either didn't offend you or you are offended and waiting to see how offended you are. Either way, until next time.